Ever feel like your mind is full of useless thoughts that just flitter in and out? My life as an over thinker can be pretty much summed up with that statement. I love thinking, being challenged and I have a bad habit of sharing my opinions whether welcomed or not. (Hey, we are all a work in progress!)
I don’t really find my life all that exciting or interesting, but every now and then, something happens, and I wish I could share it with someone. See I’m all about the journey. Life can be hard and messy, but I’m learning that it’s not about the outcome per say, but the transparency shown in the meantime. What is life if we lived perfect lives? I love the quote by C. S. Lewis “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Vulnerability… that word terrifies me. See I’ve never been in love. I know, I know, I am made constantly aware of how young I am. In my early twenties, finishing up my degree, (Shout out to my fellow super seniors!) and sometimes clumsily making my way in this world. Yet, when everyone around you is dating, getting married and you get maybe one date every seven months or so… you feel the pressure. And you also feel solitary. Take that back, I am not totally alone; I do have my crazy, sweet dog Adelaide. My two year old Australian Shepherd and Shetland mix. She does keep me company with her ridiculous antics and struggle to learn how to just be a dog, but she’s another story.
People, though, are hard. Letting people in and not just romantically is an anxiety attack waiting to happen. There is this nice shell that keeps me safe and holds up a force field which surrounds the vitals. Yet the anomaly that is me wears her emotions on her sleeve. I struggle to contain my emotions or withdraw from a situation. If I am invested I am there. This topic has been on my mind and as I mulled it over I have been trying to convince myself that the right move is to soften up, and to not fear people. People intimidate me and rejection is petrifying. However, something has to give. I have been pretty miserable lately because I have withdrawn from so much and in order for that to change as the cheesy proverbs goes it starts with me.
Can we all be real for a second though, I don’t want to… I do… but I don’t. The inner debate. The war between the angel and the devil inside of the mind. So this is not my advice after I have gone through some long process only to come out wiser. But my first step in making a change. In the midst of this time I am going to share it, pray that the Lord will guide every step and hold my shaking hand along the way. And to those of you who made it to this point, thank you. I hope this journey can be as equally entertaining and enlightening to you as it is to me.